A Quick Update

I walked out this am and grinned my ass off. I LOVE FALL!
The weather becomes cooler, a bit breezy, and I practically
come to life again..It's so beautiful in New York today.
Ok Its a little cloudy, but the cool breeze makes me feel
more alive then I have in months.
I can't wait for winter :)

In other news, I'm heading to Montreal this weekend. I'm hoping
to have a good time.
I haven't had a serious conversation with Jen since my b-day. We are
sorta-kinda exchanging one or two lines here and there, but not much.
We'll see what happens in the next few days. I wrote her an e-mail, and
she FINALLY read it last night... I think it will have SOME kind of reaction,
as sitting here in limbo is...Challenging.
So I'll try to live my life,etc and enjoy my time.
Life's too short not to right?

I remember

I remember....
Looking into the window of The Slaughtered Lamb and seeing her face.
Laying in bed late one night, with her and the cat, and thinking...this is my family...
How hurt I was that she couldn't even get me a birthday card.....
8.5 years
A Long Time.

I love her, but I can't go on like this, knowing that she doesn't respect me.

God it hurts.

...I'll live though.

What choice do I have?

It's about choices...

Ok.
Let's say you've decided you're Done with the big 'D'. You've decided its time to die.
I am not saying *I* am. I'm just saying suppose you dedicded you where ready to?
Firstly, if you're under like 20, you're too young, you've really got too much to live for.

Secondly, if you're killing yourself b/c of a girl/boy/whatever... Again, it's not worth it, there WILL be another girl/boy/whatever. Really, there will be.

I'm talkin...You've done what you've wanted to, or you're ill, or you're just tired of it all or whatever.......

Leave all important info someplace its easy to find. Bank accounts, credit card info, Christmas club stuff, whatever. Leave it someplace handy.

Leave a note. In the note make it CRYSTAL CLEAR...this is no one's fault, nobody's responsibility, etc ...Because there will always be folks who will say 'but I could have/should have seen it coming' or 'why didn't anyone help him/her,etc'.

The reality is, that if you've made the choice really ..NO ONE can stop you. You'll find a way, and anything else will just make things more difficult for everyone involved.

Don't do yourself in in a park or something, because if you 'go missing' then people will be left to wonder what happened to you...this is about making sure there are no loose ends.

A hotel would probably be best. One prefiberly with a tub.
Choose your method, and do it in the tub. Easiest cleanup, minimal mess and bother for all involved.

You don't want someone you know to find you. They're in for enough trauma as is, no matter what you say/do or have said in the note. Them finding your bod will NOT be good for their mental states.
Of course, its not good for ANYONE'S...But its probably easier on some anonymous person then on your friends/family/etc. I suppose it might even be better to arrange for an EMS person to show up or something as they've probably dealt with it before.....
If you must do it at home I guess if you make the call and claim some minor problem then leave the door wide open they can come in and find you.

...Don't make a scene doing yourself in. It's not helpful or productive, and it really really doesnt do anyone any good.


Just some thoughts on my 39th birthday.

Happy birthday to me.

Gah.